Livejournal, let me tell you that I am sixteen now. Being able to say that once seemed so far off.....
For the very first time, I am legitmately somewhat free of her now. The damage lingers, and I'm sure it will continue to, but that's okay. The difference between now and all the others times are monumental. I approach this process with caution and precision instead of finger pointing and name calling and promising myself that we would never be friends again. I think of it in realistic terms now, so I'm no longer setting myself up for failure and embarrasment. I acknowledge that it won't be easy. I fear, but more importantly acknowledge that I will fuck up along the way. It gets easier and easier every day because I finally was able to understand just how warped my perception has (had?) become as a result of the most destructive relationship I have ever took part in. The only that that really bothers me is that during that very delicate time of growth in my life, you told me every day in new words that you wanted that 14 year old freshman you used to know back. The fourteen year old girl with an almost unbreakable spirit and constant smile? The fourteen year old girl who worshiped you? The fourteen year old girl who made it her mission to imitate you? The fourteen year old girl who you called a blank slate? The same one you now call a brown canvas? You seemed to be so curious on how she just disappeared! Gone without any rhyme or reason! That fourteen year old girl is gone because you, among many other things and people, fucking ruined her. The fourteen year old is gone because time usually means growth, and you've always despised any journey I went on that you weren't a part of or that you didn't understand. At some point playing the victim gets old, you know B? Did you hear me, livejournal? I don't feel sorry for myself, or angry, or even hateful. All I feel is a complete shift in attitude toward a mess. A disfigured wreck of what once resembled something like a friendship.
K has been around a lot lately. I think we've always been soul sisters. It may sound strange, but I like the fact that our friendship is so damaged. We're walking on egg shells and its so beautiful because its so real. I hate contrasting this friendship to the other, but the sick thing is that I hadn't (and don't?) know friendship on any other terms anymore. But this is real pain to be worked through. I'm learning all over again what friendship can really mean.
I'm learning new things all the time. I seem to be regularly exposing myself as well. I'm on a misison to admit all the things that nobody else will. I don't really understand how I ever expected to figure myself out if I wasn't being totally honest in the first place.
I've come a long way.
For the very first time, I am legitmately somewhat free of her now. The damage lingers, and I'm sure it will continue to, but that's okay. The difference between now and all the others times are monumental. I approach this process with caution and precision instead of finger pointing and name calling and promising myself that we would never be friends again. I think of it in realistic terms now, so I'm no longer setting myself up for failure and embarrasment. I acknowledge that it won't be easy. I fear, but more importantly acknowledge that I will fuck up along the way. It gets easier and easier every day because I finally was able to understand just how warped my perception has (had?) become as a result of the most destructive relationship I have ever took part in. The only that that really bothers me is that during that very delicate time of growth in my life, you told me every day in new words that you wanted that 14 year old freshman you used to know back. The fourteen year old girl with an almost unbreakable spirit and constant smile? The fourteen year old girl who worshiped you? The fourteen year old girl who made it her mission to imitate you? The fourteen year old girl who you called a blank slate? The same one you now call a brown canvas? You seemed to be so curious on how she just disappeared! Gone without any rhyme or reason! That fourteen year old girl is gone because you, among many other things and people, fucking ruined her. The fourteen year old is gone because time usually means growth, and you've always despised any journey I went on that you weren't a part of or that you didn't understand. At some point playing the victim gets old, you know B? Did you hear me, livejournal? I don't feel sorry for myself, or angry, or even hateful. All I feel is a complete shift in attitude toward a mess. A disfigured wreck of what once resembled something like a friendship.
K has been around a lot lately. I think we've always been soul sisters. It may sound strange, but I like the fact that our friendship is so damaged. We're walking on egg shells and its so beautiful because its so real. I hate contrasting this friendship to the other, but the sick thing is that I hadn't (and don't?) know friendship on any other terms anymore. But this is real pain to be worked through. I'm learning all over again what friendship can really mean.
I'm learning new things all the time. I seem to be regularly exposing myself as well. I'm on a misison to admit all the things that nobody else will. I don't really understand how I ever expected to figure myself out if I wasn't being totally honest in the first place.
I've come a long way.
input?